President Ralphie May? Sure, why not?

Comedian Ralphie May is seriously eyeing a run for office someday, and he’s already got a catchy motto: “It ain’t like I can mess it up more than it already is.”

May performs Friday-Sunday at the South Point, and he will present “The Dirty at 12:30” there Friday night.

May likes his odds in defeating a sitting politician.

“I can out-talk all these (expletive) (expletives), and I’m way more personable than most of them,” he said.

May is a Blue Dog Democrat. His stances are mainstream for America but liberal for Tennessee, where he and his wife raise a family.

■ Reproduction: “I’m of the mind that I don’t care that much. Like when it comes to abortion, I don’t care that much. I let women control their (stuff). Republicans want small government, well, great, then keep ’em out of women’s (stuff).”

■ Taxes: “I don’t mind being taxed. I want crazy (things) like roads and clean water. Call me wacko. I like clean air, I don’t want my kids to die.”

■ Legal marijuana: “I think it should be taxed. Grow it, tax the (expletive) out of it. People are gonna do what they’re gonna do. Let’s pay off some bills. I’d like to fund 28,000 jobs in Tennessee through the taxation of marijuana and be able to improve every road in the state and make it a hub of America, improve commerce and bring jobs, because people have a guaranteed route to market and a fantastic labor force.”

■ Community: “This (political minimalism) they’re doing now, where everybody’s out for themselves, it’s not helping my state. It’s amazingly self-serving.”

■ Ethics: “I just want to make enough money that I never have to take money from any company to be in anybody’s pocket, and to be an advocate for the people.”

■ Nevada: “What’s going on in y’all’s state, man? You got crazy old white people saying they don’t believe in the government while holding the U.S. flag. That Cliven Bundy is a crazy, cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs old man. It was fun watching Fox News sucking (up to him) like a piglet on a teat.”

May had a granny and a grandfather in politics, and he has a performer’s perspective of politicians.

“Politicking is a hell of a racket. All you have to do is talk to people, and you don’t even have to be funny. My job is way harder,” May said.

“Plus, I got babies. Instead of bitching about everything, sometimes you gotta step in there and make a difference.”

May has a popular show at the South Point.

But he also started “The Dirty at 12:30” every Friday night at the hotel, a free show where big-name and Strip comedians drop by to perform looser craps.

“We had Amazing Johnathan, he made a watermelon appear, and then Gallagher came up and smashed it. How do you beat that for a free show?

“My buddy Ron White says the next time he’s in town, he’s coming out. The show starts at 12:30, and people camp out from 10:30 to 11 for good seats.”

And yet, May laments, “The Dirty” didn’t win “best free show” in Best of Las Vegas.

“We lost to water at the Bellagio. That’s a kick in the balls. People would rather go see water than they would our show. It’s like, ‘Hey, we’ve got humans.’ But it’s the desert. Water’s a big attraction.”

Doug Elfman’s column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Email him at He blogs at

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