When comedian Vince Morris flies around the country to do gigs, he notices which cities have the most beautiful women. So let’s start with his appraisal of Vegas ladies.
“Vegas has got some women,” says Morris (who performs tonight through Sunday at Harrah’s Improv).
“But Vegas is an extension of L.A. – a lot of Botox, a lot of plastic – a lot of women who look like they had a stroke in the middle of surgery and their lips swelled up.
“You’ve seen that face. You know what I’m talking about,” he jokes. “Every city has its ups and downs.”
America’s most beautiful women are in Miami. That’s his assertion.
“You go to Miami. You will fall in legitimate love at least eight times a day.
“It’s island (women), it’s Latina, it’s South American, it’s white, it’s Italian, it’s everybody,” he says.
And those Miami women aren’t even trying to get in the movies, unlike women in Los Angeles.
“You go to McDonald’s and you fall in love, literally, at the drive-thru:
“ ’What time do you get off? I love you.’ It’s that scary.”
“Chicago has women. Texas has got some nice women. New York,” he says. “Go to Arizona. You’ll be pleasantly surprised.”
I’m not going anywhere for women. I am true-blue to my awesome girlfriend. Morris says he’s in the same position.
“I got a girl in Ohio, so I’m good.”
Also while on tour, Morris has been startled a lot when he performed for troops in Baghdad and Afghanistan.
“You can hear mortars and bombs going off outside of the safe zone,” he says. “It’s unnerving wherever you are, but it’s more unnerving when you can hear it.”
Fortunately, he hasn’t suffered any truly scary moments on troop tours, other than dealing with turbulence on Blackhawk helicopters.
“Man, those things can go up and down at crazy-ass angles. That was scarier than anything else.
“It’s like a (expletive) roller coaster ride with a guy with a machine gun,” he says. “You look at the side, and you see a guy just hanging out the big sliding door, just hanging by a harness.”
And when military pilots got clearance, they pulled wild maneuvers to show Morris their skills – and to mess with him.
“They think it’s funny. That (expletive) is not funny. I didn’t sign up for this (expletive),” Morris says.
“But some of those guys get relaxed and show you what they can do. And it’s amazing what they do every single day. The adrenaline is always pumping.”
To be honest, though, most of Morris’ flying is on commercial airlines. He flies from his native Ohio to Los Angeles for work.
Morris has appeared in specials on Comedy Central, BET and HBO, and on late-night shows on broadcast TV.
“It’s a bit much to be in L.A., man. If you have a soul, they will Hoover vacuum cleaner that thing out of you.”
Then he flies home to Ohio to be with his 4-year-old daughter.
“All she knows is, ‘My daddy’s silly. He tells jokes. He’s on TV,’ ” he says. “She’s a helluva person. I tell her, ‘Thank you for letting me be your father.’ ”
Aw, look at that. You thought Morris was going to be a guy who just objectifies women, and he turned out to be a troop-supporting, grateful father.
That’s your reward for reading this interview all the way to its Norman Rockwell ending.
Doug Elfman’s column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org. He blogs at reviewjournal.com/elfman.