It’s tough to say goodbye

Amy Cartwright and her son, Cole, have spent the past few weeks buying school supplies, picking out school clothes and doing all of the other chores required before Cole begins his first day of kindergarten.

Now that the basics have been taken care of, Cartwright is thinking about her own impending first-day-of-school chore: saying goodbye to Cole at the schoolhouse door.

Cartwright hopes she'll be able to pull off a tearless, upbeat goodbye. But, she concedes: "I'm finally realizing, 'Wow. He's not my baby anymore. He's going off to school.' It's that kind of reality: He's all grown up now, and I can't believe he's off to kindergarten."

"So, yeah, I'll probably be teary-eyed," Cartwright says with a laugh, "and he'll just wave and say goodbye."

That sound you'll hear across the valley Monday morning will be the shattering of parents' hearts as they send their new-to-school kids off for the first day of the 2008-2009 academic year. And, for many parents, it'll be an odd, anxiety-inducing day, even though the reality of first-day-of-school separation anxiety is that kids usually handle it better than grown-ups do.

Leslie Valdes sent her first child, Tatiana, now 12, off to her first day of school years ago. This week, she's sending son Silver Avila, 5, off to his first day of kindergarten.

"The first one is very hard," Valdes says. And although Silver has attended an open house and already toured his new school, Valdes is "a little nervous" because he, unlike Tatiana -- who attended half-day kindergarten -- will be in school all day.

Valdes suspects the trickiest emotion she'll wrestle with is the idea that "he's not my baby now. Now, he's a big boy. You tell him (that), too: 'You're a big boy now, you're going to school.' "

She expects she'll also fret about whether Silver will like school, whether he'll meet friends, whether he'll get along with his teacher and all of the other "whethers" a parent worries about when they send a child off to school.

Valdes also won't be surprised if she experiences a bit of "nice deja vu."

For some parents, sending a child off to the first day of school can border on "traumatic," notes Janet Dobry, principal of Robert Taylor Elementary School.

"Over the years, I've watched a lot of parents cry," Dobry says, while "the kids tend to focus in on other kids, especially if they've never been around them much. They're all excited about kindergarten.

"So, for the kids, it's all new and wonderful, like Disneyland. But, for the parents, it's 'Oh no, what if my child needs something and the teacher isn't paying attention to them?' or, 'What if some other child is mean to them?' So they're the ones that are worried."

Carrie Larson, principal of C.T. Sewell Elementary School, has known parents who've been reluctant to leave the school grounds, parents who've wanted to stay with kids after the opening bell and even parents who've resorted to peeking in through classroom windows.

"Once a week or two has passed, it's like old hat. I think it's just trusting these teachers and the staff with the safety of (their) children, and it's a big step," Larson says.

It's also a big step for parents in that a child's entrance into all-day school means changes in an entire family's routine. For example, Cartwright notes that her family "used to just go on vacation." Now, she says, family outings will have to be coordinated with the school calendar.

Also unnerving to a parent is the reality that, to at least a small degree, a child entering school embarks upon a more independent life. For instance, while a parent formerly had significant influence over a child's circle of friends, children attending school begin to make friends from among who's in their class, Cartwright says. "You just hope you've prepared them to make the right decisions."

But as hard as it might be, parents should try to stifle whatever anxiety they're feeling. That's because children are adept at picking up cues, and a crying, scared parent often will result in a crying, scared child.

Reassure yourself, Larson suggests, that "everything's going to be OK, that people have been going to school for years and it'll be all right."

Don't prolong your first-morning goodbyes, she adds. "Just give them a hug and a kiss at the door and send them off."

Understand, also, that teachers, principals and school staff members are experts at dealing with nervous kids. "Parents really should calm down and know that the teacher is ready for (the kids), and the teacher has seen a lot of kindergartners over time,'' Dobry says.

Does parental separation anxiety lessen with subsequent kids? "You know, I think it does," Dobry says. "I think the very first one going to kindergarten, it's all new to the parents and a lot of parents are a little worried."

Brenda Varney of Las Vegas would agree. She has sent four kids -- now ages 27, 17, 12 and 8 -- off to kindergarten and admits that "the first one was the hardest. We were really close and it was hard for me to let go of him."

"He was in day care while I worked, but it was just the mental thing for me," she says. "Now, he was growing up. He was my baby until he was in school."

But, Varney adds, laughing, "when the second one went to school I was like, 'Yay!' I was excited. I couldn't wait for the kids to be in school."

Contact reporter John Przybys at jprzybys@reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0280.