Science can tell you if you’re with the right person
Romantic relationships are complicated sometimes, but research says there really is a simple way to tell if you are with the right person.
According to a study published last year in the journal Personal Relationships, the people you care about help shape your image of yourself, for better or worse. And the most positive, happy relationships are those that lead to what a person perceives as positive change.
So ask yourself this: Does that person bring out what you’d consider the best in you?
“Individuals in satisfying romantic relationships often report experiencing positive changes to their self-concepts as a result of their relationship partners. For example, it is common to hear someone speak glowingly of their romantic partner by stating, ‘He makes me a better person’ or ‘I like the person I am when I’m around her,’” the researchers wrote. “However, not all relationship partners positively affect individuals’ self-concepts. In fact, some romantic partners may negatively affect individuals’ self-views, leading to statements such as, ‘I don’t like who I have become in this relationship’ or ‘I’m not the same person I used to be.’”
Alexander Chan explains the study for Mic by noting that it’s not just a matter or bringing out one’s best side, but also of reducing — the researchers say “pruning” — less-desireable traits.
“Self-pruning doesn’t need to be the result of direct criticism or nagging (which can be a pain),” he wrote. “Rather, it can happen inadvertently, as the study authors describe: ‘An individual’s bad habit (e.g., talking too loudly) may develop into a social allergy for a romantic partner. As a result, the romantic partner may help the individual break (or at least weaken) the bad habit.’”
There are other ideas on ending up with the right partner — or at least eschewing the wrong one. In an article for Psychology Today, Anita E. Kelley, a professor of psychology at Notre Dame and author of “The Psychology of Secrets,” said the trick is knowing what to look out for. Arrogance and moodiness are traits that figure large on her skip-it list.
What one wants, she writes, is a partner with “excellent personality traits. … Surprise, surprise — it’s better to have a warm, cooperative mate than an unstable, disagreeable one!”
