UNHAPPY HOLIDAY

he holidays are supposed to be a time when families celebrate, exchange gifts, share special meals, practice forgiveness and create lifelong memories.

Together.

But for victims of domestic violence living in shelters or in safe houses, the holidays have their own special meaning, serving as a painful reminder of what they left behind: the home, the life partner and any semblance of a "normal" life.

And these victims, most of them women, are faced with the challenge of explaining to their children why they won't be home for Christmas.

"This time of year makes them feel so very ashamed that this has happened to them," Marlene Richter, director of Shade Tree Shelter, says of women who left their batterers and took their children away from the life they knew. The shelter can house 300 residents but it often is over capacity, especially during the holidays. "The kinds of things that happen during a holiday -- the phone calls, the parties, the meals, the presents -- makes being in a shelter very, very difficult."

Richter says the shelter isn't decorated for December holidays until the last possible moment, so that the decorations won't serve as a constant reminder to the women living there.

"We don't want to make a really big deal about it because they'll go home," Richter says. "They will think they should be there and sometimes, they'll go home and try to hold things together."

Kari, whose full name is not being used for legal reasons, tried to make peace with her ex-boyfriend last Christmas, for the sake of her elementary school-aged sons. She picked out gifts with him and kept things upbeat so her boys would have some good holiday memories, she says.

They made it through Christmas, she recalls, but by January, she was living in a Safe Nest shelter and had taken out a temporary protective order against her ex.

The holidays are a particularly volatile time in the lives of those who live with domestic violence. The idea that Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Year's leads to an increase in domestic violence is part truth, part myth, says Maria Outcalt, spokeswoman for Safe Nest. The shelter houses 102 people and stays full no matter the time of year, she says.

"You don't suddenly abuse your family if you have the added pressures of the holidays," Outcalt says. "If you're abusive, yes, the additional stress and increased alcohol consumption can cause domestic violence to intensify."

Kari remembers the holidays she spent with her ex-boyfriend during their last three years together, ending in 2007. They weren't always the best of times.

"I had a tendency to lay low," she says. "You want the holidays to be a happy time, so you try not to say anything that would upset him. But that was difficult because you never knew what would upset him."

His blowups often meant pushing and hitting and threats of death, she says.

Though she knows she and her children are safer now and out of the shelter, Kari says she still can't help but feel conflicted. Holidays were stressful with her ex, she says, but they're stressful without him, too. They had been together off and on since 1999.

Her sons know something is different about the holidays this year, Kari says. The budget is tighter, she explains, and when she told her youngest to pick out only a couple of gifts from a toy catalog, he got upset. And the days when she could make do with a bag of toys from Goodwill are gone, she adds.

"I kind of try not to think about it," she says, her voice shaky with tears. "But I personally can't provide for them this holiday."

Maria is experiencing the same issues, she says. Now that she, her daughter and infant son are on their own, money is tighter, and Maria says she feels like she owes the children a whole family, especially during the holidays.

"I try to teach my daughter that Christmas isn't about things, it's about feelings," Maria says.

It's hard to get through the holidays as a single parent, Maria says, since feelings don't end just because a relationship does. Maria lived in a shelter for a while after filing for a temporary protective order against her ex-husband last year.

Advocates and domestic violence organizations say they work to keep their displaced women and children occupied during the holidays, because it helps them cope. Only time will help them recover from their losses, advocates say.

Shade Tree plans multiple outings for women and children residents, as well as holiday meals, special entertainment and gifts, Richter says. Volunteers come into the shelter to help the children select a gift to give their mothers while several Santas are scheduled to start distributing gifts at 5 a.m. on Christmas Day.

Safe Nest offers an Adopt-A-Family program in which sponsors provide gifts for families, teenagers who are on their own and single women. Kari and Maria are in the program, which serves about 400 families each year, Outcalt says.

This year, the agency has 120 single women and 25 teens, in addition to the 400 families. In the past, they've had no problems finding sponsors, but this year, about three-fourths of the families have been adopted but none of the teens or single women have sponsors, Outcalt says. The program is for shelter residents or clients in the domestic violence counseling program.

To donate, call Safe Nest at 877-0133, ext. 236.

Contact reporter Sonya Padgett at spadgett@reviewjournal.com or 702-380-4564.