Vegas puffy hearts Reno!

From time to time, intrastate rivalry bubbles over into nasty squabbles between residents of the South and residents of the North. I regret to say I’ve recently become involved in such a spat, gently pointing out how a Reno Gazette-Journal columnist mistook a neighborhood for a city.

Now, that same columnist has penned a list of reasons why Reno is better than Las Vegas. Initially, I thought I’d write a list proving the opposite point (after all, nobody has ever come through Las Vegas, left, got caught in a snowstorm and eaten each other rather than go back!).

But that, I realized, would only foster more rhetorical violence, more Top 10 lists, and more intrastate hatred. So, in the spirit of One Nevada, I’ve decided I will join with my Northern colleague and add to his work.

Here, then, are the Top 10 Additional Reasons Reno is Better Than Las Vegas.

10. San Francisco and the Napa Valley. Yes, I realize it’s kind of lame to define the merits of Reno by identifying better places that it’s close to, but since my friend from the North named Lake Tahoe, I figured I’d keep the party going and name other attractions that aren’t too terribly far from the Biggest Little City.

9. The weather. Reno, it is true, has four seasons. All Las Vegas has is THE Four Seasons.

8. No First Amendment! You will not find anyone on Reno streets proffering cards advertising girls direct to your room. Now, primarily it’s because there aren’t enough people on Reno streets to make it worth anyone’s while to pay people to distribute such cards, and there also aren’t any girls who would want to go direct to a Reno hotel room. But that’s beside the point when you can walk down the street in relative bliss.

7. Collective suspension of disbelief. Here in Las Vegas, everybody is such a Debbie Downer, always whining about how we need to achieve Tier 1 status for UNLV. As in Carnegie Classifications of Institutions of Higher Education Tier 1 status, not “Tier 1” status according to a “newsmagazine” that doesn’t actually “publish” anymore. While we’re all working down here to get real Tier 1 status, Reno is content with claiming magazine-style Tier 1 status, while really just enjoying Carnegie-style “high research activity” status.

6. Better traffic! Yes, I know this is a repeat from the Gazette-Journal’s list, but it bears repeating: Las Vegas streets and freeways are jammed. Now, that’s primarily because more people want to live here than would ever want to live in Reno, but who cares, right? A Reno commute is much smoother, much shorter and with more entertaining bumper stickers.

5. Local pride. People from Reno are proud of being from Reno. They love it. People from Las Vegas are all, like, “yeah, whatever, it’ll do until I get a better offer near the beach.” (Call me, Los Angeles Times!) So we Vegas people have to fall back on the comfort food offered by, oh, just the best chefs in the entire world. (Love you, Giada!) But in our hearts, we’re thinking, “man, I wish I could be eating in a charming downtown bistro owned by a guy who learned his craft at the Olive Garden.”

4. Self-satisfaction. Reno is a sustainable city, concerned about the environment with residents who care about Mother Earth. Vegas is a rapacious growth monster that’s not even going to feel badly when it sucks Reno’s water dry. But hey, a dried out Truckee riverbed would make a great place to put train tracks.

3. Bowling. In Reno, it’s a vital part of downtown redevelopment. In Vegas, it’s merely an afterthought, something we cram into a casino after we’ve already built the stuff normal people really want to do.

2. Relief. Reno serves as a perfect place for weary travelers going from Salt Lake City on the way to Sacramento and San Francisco to stop and, well, relieve themselves, if you know what I mean.

1. Self-confidence. I’ve always said that Reno wakes up every morning wondering how Las Vegas is trying to screw them that day, while Las Vegas wakes up every day … and doesn’t give Reno a second thought. But Reno doesn’t care about that, right? I mean, it’s not like they’re making lists or anything…