Valentine’s Day challenging for those who have lost spouse

Valentine's Day can be cruel for those who have had a spouse die.

"You turn on the TV and see Valentine's Day stuff and everyone is in love," says Dianne West, who has been widowed five years. "It's like nobody remembers there is a large number of people not as lucky."

No matter their backgrounds, ages or stories, widows and widowers have to find ways of coping with every holiday or special occasion.

Each one has a different way.

West was married for 41 years.

"I married when I was 18," she says. "It sounds so scandalous. He was 28 and my high school teacher."

They lived in Michigan until the mid-'80s when the economy started to crumble, prompting the couple to move to Las Vegas.

He was a coach and teacher for the Clark County School District — later a supervisor at Thomas & Mack — while West got a job with the Las Vegas Valley Water District.

When her husband was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer, he was told he would survive only about 18 months. That stretched to four years, despite complication after complication, until his kidneys failed during his last few days at Nathan Adelson Hospice.

West remembers being numb for the next year as she tried to cope. On top of everything she was feeling, for the first time in 59 years, she was alone.

"I was 18 when we married so I moved from my parents house to our home," she says.

That was at the end of September. And with the holiday season approaching, West couldn't deal with all the traditions and decorations she had grown accustomed to in 41 years.

"There is still a box of holiday ornaments I haven't managed to open," she says. "It's there waiting for me when I'm ready."

At one point, during the middle of office parties and decorating frenzies, she booked a ticket to Key West, Fla., for a momentary escape.

"I got back right before Christmas," she says. "But I missed most of all the celebration."

With time, things got a little better.

She joined an online widows support group know as Widowed Village, where she met and chatted with women who have gone through similar experiences.

"You find out you're not the only one going through this," West says.

West planned to go on a conference in California hosted by the group. She found out three other women from Las Vegas were attending as well, so she reached out to them to see if they wanted to meet up beforehand.

The three of them have been close friends since then. Together, they started a MeetUp group for widows and widowers.

"It's therapeutic to be able to connect with others," she says.

Whether it's the anniversary of their spouse's death or just a rough night, they can call or text each other and offer support.

Together, they don't have to navigate life alone.

A DIFFERENT WAY TO COPE

Clark County Commissioner Chris Giunchigliani says for Valentine's Day she might go through a box of old cards from her husband.

"Or maybe I'll go out and do a random act of kindness," she says.

This will be her first Valentine's Day since her husband, Gary Gray, was killed in a car accident in April 2015. They had been married since 1987, after they met through the teachers' union when they were both middle school teachers.

"He was my soulmate," Giunchigliani says. "We were kindred spirits."

In the days after Gray's death, it was the friends who camped out at her house that helped her get through each day, and Giunchigliani continues to confide in friends and family.

It hasn't even been a year since her husband died in a car accident. She couldn't be in Las Vegas for the holidays, so she flew to be with her brothers and sisters in California.

"We played Cards Against Humanity, which I had never heard of before," she says. "There was lots of laughter and some crying too."

She has found other ways to cope, as well.

"I would have gone wackadoodle without my dog," she says.

Giunchigliani keeps one of her husband's sweaters on a chair in the dining room and keeps photos of him around.

"That way I can keep talking to him," she says. "Some people say they take the photos down right away. Having them gives me comfort."

She found a bunch of his old hats and has a hat tree in her house. And knowing his organs were donated also helped, she said.

Now, each day when she gets out of bed, Giunchigliani sets a goal.

"It could be for work, it could be for washing the windows," she says.

She might go for a walk, write in her journal or have a cry. But then she carries on.

"I don't cry in public anymore," she says. "But, it's OK to grieve for however long you need to."

Contact reporter Michael Lyle at mlyle@reviewjournal.com or 702-387-5201. Follow @mjlyle on Twitter.