Winners of the coveted (and unconventional) Silver Seat Cushion Awards
Judging from its record-breaking box-office haul, you’ve all seen “American Sniper.”
Three or four times.
Other than that, though, you might have made it to one or two, if that, of the best-picture nominees at Sunday’s 87th Academy Awards.
And, really, even if you’d seen them all, would you truly care who wins the vast majority of the categories?
So, to honor a more diverse array of movies than the Oscars ever will, and to celebrate the most important part of the moviegoing experience (i.e., a nice, comfortable chair), welcome to the third annual Silver Seat Cushion Awards.
Best Use of Las Vegas: “Think Like a Man Too”
The Kevin Hart comedy played out like an extended version of the “What Happens Here” commercials. Cameras followed the wedding party throughout Caesars Palace, from the luxurious Constantine Villa to the pool and from the Forum Shops to Nobu, down the street to the Eiffel Tower Restaurant and over to Planet Hollywood Resort, where the gals danced on the tables. The movie solidified the city’s status as the party capital of the world. Heck, even the token white lady had a blast.
Worst Use of Las Vegas: “Godzilla”
The Strip got trashed, and it wasn’t even by the big guy himself. Even worse, it was done largely offscreen. After rescuing his mate from a Yucca Mountain prison, some big praying mantis-looking thing put his foot through the Caesars Palace ceiling and then … nothing. Just a glance at the devastation. If our hotels are going to be destroyed, we want to see it. We need to see it. It’s in our DNA.
Best New Moviegoing Experience Your Friends Won’t Stop Talking About: Regal Downtown Summerlin 5
Sure, it has a full bar and an upgraded menu. It even offers reclining seats that are like being swallowed up by a leathery — or, perhaps, a leatherette-y — cloud. But the absolute best amenity, thanks to its adults-first programming strategy, is the relative lack of crying babies and texting teens.
Best New Moviegoing Experience Your Friends Don’t Know About: Brenden’s JBX auditorium at the Palms
The custom theater features a huge screen with a brilliant 4K projector. The real selling point, though, is the 17,000-watt sound system with 16 subwoofers that produces a rumble you can feel in your pancreas.
Weirdest Product Placement: “Sex Tape” and “Wild” (tie)
The Jason Segel-Cameron Diaz (alleged) comedy spent an awful lot of time touting iPads before introducing Jack Black as the benevolent owner of YouPorn. The Reese Witherspoon drama, at times, felt like a series of sex-and-heroin-fueled commercials for REI and Lemonade Snapple.
Best Redemption of a Character Introduced to the Masses in a Lame Carl’s Jr. Commercial: “X-Men: Days of Future Past”
Quicksilver’s (Evan Peters) suuuper slooow coming out party was not only a technological marvel, it was as cool as the other side of Iceman’s pillow.
Least Responsible Movie: “Labor Day”
Listen up, ladies. If you invite an escaped killer into your home, he will not make sweet love and even sweeter peach pies with you. He will murder you and wear your face for a hat.
Best Reason for Not Reading: “Gone Girl”
I’m sure Gillian Flynn’s novel is well-written. After all, she adapted it for the screen, and “Gone Girl” was one of my favorite movies of the year. But having read her best-seller would have denied me the experience of scraping my jaw off that sticky movie theater floor.
Best Dance Moves: “Guardians of the Galaxy”
Chris Pratt’s Star-Lord was obsessed with “Footloose,” danced about and splashed in puddles like an intergalactic Gene Kelly, and he saved a planet by hilariously challenging the evil Ronan the Accuser to a dance off. Throw in the dancing baby Groot in the credits, and all that boogieing helped make “Guardians” the most entertaining superhero movie yet. Here’s hoping they don’t get carried away in the sequel, though. No one needs to see Drax the Destroyer twerk.
Movie So Awful It Led to the Greatest Geek Moment of the Decade: “The Amazing Spider-Man 2”
After spending a reported $255 million on what was essentially a 140-minute trailer for a “Sinister Six” movie nobody wanted, Sony finally threw up its hands, admitted it had no idea what to do with the web-slinger and agreed to let Marvel resume control of its one-time cash cow. So it’s only a matter of time before Peter Parker swings his way into an “Avengers” movie. Now maybe one of those Marvel movies will finally make a little money.
Best South Korean Movie Based on a French Graphic Novel Filmed in the Czech Republic Starring Captain America: “Snowpiercer”
Best Use of a Grilled Cheese Sandwich: “Chef”
Jon Favreau’s character cooked and ate his way across America in a food truck, and there was seemingly nothing he couldn’t do in a kitchen. But the way he lovingly crafted that grilled cheese sandwich for his son was like food porn for regular guys. If a genie ever grants me three wishes, two of them would be for one of those gooey concoctions to magically appear like those agents in State Farm commercials and for there to be no such thing as cholesterol.
Best Achievement in Making Me Not Want to Punch Miles Teller in His Throat: “Whiplash”
Maybe there’s something about Shailene Woodley, his co-star in “Divergent” and “The Spectacular Now,” that brings out the smug jackhole in him. Or maybe it takes a raging narcissist like the one portrayed by his “Whiplash” co-star J.K. Simmons to make him remotely likable. Either way, there could be hope after all for this summer’s “Fantastic Four” reboot in which Teller portrays Reed Richards/Mister Fantastic. Just kidding. That looks awful.
Sex Scene So Horrifying It Could Have Ruined Your Desire to Procreate Forever: “The Homesman”
Nothing Christian does to Anastasia in “Fifty Shades of Grey” is even half as terrifying as listening to a reluctant Tommy Lee Jones talk a persistent Hilary Swank through what passes for frontier lovemaking in 1855. The sound of Jones’ gravelly voice saying, “Take me in your hand” will haunt your dreams.
The Ralph Lawler “Shoulders Glistening” Award: Emily Blunt, “Edge of Tomorrow”
First, the backstory. Lawler, the L.A. Clippers’ play-by-play announcer, loves him some Blake Griffin. So much so, he once began excitedly calling a replay with the phrase, “Blake Griffin, shoulders glistening!” It still makes giggle and cringe in equal measure. Anyway, in the vastly underrated “Edge,” Blunt stars as the greatest warrior in mankind’s battle against the invading space critters. And for someone who, based on her resume, may never have broken a sweat before this, she wears it well. Very, very well.
Channing Tatum Award for a Slice of Beefcake Who Finally Demanded Your Grudging Respect: Zac Efron, “Neighbors”
Much like Tatum’s performance in “21 Jump Street” and Justin Timberlake’s work on “Saturday Night Live,” Efron was so good as the borderline evil fraternity president, guys had to swallow their pride and give it up for somebody who, as co-star Seth Rogen said in the movie, “looks like something a gay guy designed in a laboratory.” Now if he could just stop whipping off his shirt as though it were made out of bees.
Best Reason to Stick Around Till the End: “22 Jump Street”
Most of the movie’s humor was hit-or-miss. But the closing credits, which featured scenes from increasingly ridiculous sequels — “27 Jump Street: Culinary School,” “31 Jump Street: Ninja Academy,” “43 Jump Street: Mariachi School,” etc. — was the funniest four minutes of the year.
Contact Christopher Lawrence at clawrence@reviewjournal.com or 702-380-4567.
