Movie star Jennifer Coolidge says everyone in the plastic-surgery mecca of Los Angeles now has “ice cream scoop eyes.”
“It looks so much like someone scooped the whole eyeball out and put it back in,” she says. “You have to cut your eyelids off here” to look young enough to win film roles.
Coolidge has great plastic surgery stories to tell fans during her stand-up shows Friday and Saturday at The Venetian’s “Lipshtick” female-comedian series.
You know Coolidge as the very funny rich lady in “Best in Show,” for her role in “American Pie” and for her comedy on “2 Broke Girls.” She is also a nine-year veteran of the Groundlings improv.
This weekend, she wants to tell you about “how weird injections are getting.”
What kind of weird stuff do people do?
“They add lard to your face,” she says. “It can almost look like a stroke.”
Coolidge says she feels justified in getting work done, too — until she sees a reflection of her “creepy” post-cosmetic procedure smile.
“You look in the mirror, and you go, ‘I look kind of pretty because that line on my forehead is gone.’
“Then I’ll be on the phone with a girlfriend, and I’ll just look up (at a mirror) and see myself smiling by accident, and I go, ‘What the (expletive) is that? It’s not even human.’
“You look like when you go to one of those horrible carnivals and you’re on a ride that goes through someone’s mouth. It’s like that big clown-face (look) that you don’t know you have until you smile.”
I reminded Coolidge that Jaclyn Smith, the original “Charlie’s Angel,” married a plastic surgeon and looks terrific.
“But that doesn’t mean anything because there are a lot of plastic surgeons in L.A., and women look terrible,” she says. “It’s almost like Jaclyn Smith did a deal with the devil because really good surgery is a fluke.
“Don’t tell me (other stars) didn’t go to credible people. They probably did really good research. They probably really checked it out. It just doesn’t go the way it’s supposed to.”
That’s a good point. Two women can go to the same surgeon and have radically different results, it seems.
“I feel really bad for these girls because you know they paid a (fortune) for this stuff, and they’re stuck with it, and they’re actresses, and their career is taken from them.”
Coolidge stresses that she doesn’t hold it against anyone for rolling the dice on youth reconstruction.
“I’m headed that way myself, so I’m not going to condemn other girls when I’m gonna be Frost Face in a couple of months. That would be really hypocritical.”
Men get bad work, too, of course, and it’s not their fault either, she says.
“You have this weird insecure moment where you say, ‘This will make me look refreshed.’ And then you come home from the hospital and your wife says, ‘Where are your eyes?’ ”
I told her men have to be careful when they get hair plugs, because they can look awful.
“Plugs are really tricky,” she says. “Aren’t they doing this thing where they put the whole scalp on? They take it from a cadaver and put in on your head?”
Oh my god, is that true?
Coolidge keeps riffing:
“I was thinking, ‘If I go bald, I might do something like Bret Michaels and have it all attached to a handkerchief.’ ”
Doug Elfman’s column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org. He blogs at reviewjournal.com/elfman.