Tom Arnold gabs about Roseanne, baby making, redneck weddings

A few months ago, Tom Arnold went on George Lopez's TBS show and recounted a violent story from his marriage to Roseanne:

Jenny Craig offered them $10 million to lose 20 pounds. So when he found Roseanne eating a bunch of cookies, he smashed them, then she stabbed him in the chest with a butcher knife.

Last month, Roseanne went on Lopez's show and said the whole story was a lie.

Now, Arnold responds in an interview with the Las Vegas Review-Journal.

"If you Google 'Jenny Craig' and 'Roseanne' and 'Tom,' you'll see we did make the deal with Jenny Craig. That's a fact.

"The stabbing thing -- I have the wound," he says.

"These are stories from 20 years ago. I'm sure I remember things a little different from her. But this is the way I remember it."

It hurt Arnold's feelings when he heard about Roseanne's January response on "Lopez Tonight."

"But then it reminds you of what was wrong with the marriage," he says. "She needed the excitement. I'm sure I did, too. That's what killed it. But I'd rather be bored."

And here's a stunning piece of information:

"I hadn't talked to her in 16 and a half years," Arnold says. "Then she started e-mailing me over Christmas, saying she had a book coming out and just wanted me to know. I thought that was kinda nice."

HAVING A BABY WITH WIFE NO. 4

Over Thanksgiving 2009 weekend, Arnold married Ashley Groussman, a "home organizer."

I asked Arnold, "Why did you get married for a fourth time, Debbie Reynolds?"

"Because I found somebody that would!" the comedian and actor said.

"She loves me -- and I believe her.

"And she's not insane -- I don't think."

He and his new wife are working tirelessly at becoming parents.

"We're plugging away on having a kid," he says. "This year, something's gonna happen."

He loved being a stepdad to Roseanne's kids for five years, an era he jokes about onstage.

"That was the greatest gift anyone could ever give me," he says earnestly of being a stepfather.

Fortunately, he didn't sire children in previous marriages, because they would be children of divorce now, he thinks.

He could have stayed single, but by being willing to marry, it landed him "a higher quality woman."

"Every time I get divorced, it's just one more thing to make fun of Tom Arnold about. But if they can ignore my past and live in the moment, and go by what they know of me, then we have a shot."

WEEPING FOR RYAN REYNOLDS

Arnold is a romantic.

He was crushed when Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson broke up in December.

"Ryan and I lived in the same building for a while. He's such a good guy," Arnold says. "I thought Ryan Reynolds -- he's gonna take his time, make sure everything is right, and get and stay married forever.

"I had a few moments of sadness for them, even though in their world my name never comes up, unless it's for joking purposes."

Arnold even prefers to talk about the sweet couples on his CMT show, "My Big Redneck Wedding," rather than laugh at their expense.

"The sweetest one was, we had a couple that lived together for four months in a car, and they wanted to get married. And they did, and we got them an apartment.

"I said to them, 'If I could find a woman that would live with me in a car, I would definitely marry that woman! It's hard enough to find women to live in Beverly Hills.' "

Some of those redneck couples are funny, though, he says.

"There were nudist rednecks. That doesn't show the best side of redneck nation. I don't know if they're nudists or too lazy to put on clothes."

GIRLFRIEND IN A COMA

Arnold relates to rednecks in a big way.

"My first ex-wife and I had a double-wide (trailer) in Iowa that we actually lived in. It was a pretty elegant double-wide," he says.

"The truth is, 10 miles out of any city you'll find redneck nation."

As for marriage generally, he jokes, maybe couples would be better off if one spouse got stuck in a hospital or a prison.

"It would be good to have a woman in a coma, or a twilight sleep. At least a couple of weekends a month, you know where they are and what they're doing," he jokes.

"It's like men on death row -- that's why they get married so often, because women know where they are."

Doug Elfman's column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. E-mail him at delfman@reviewjournal.com. He blogs at reviewjournal.com/elfman.