High and Mighty or Bust?

When a boys testicles drop, he starts turning into a man. When a woman's breasts drop, she starts turning away from Forever 21.

At least that's been my experience. After wiggling into one too many of the store's budget-friendly tops with ego-unfriendly bust lines, it was time to accept it. My breasts had moved, and in the opposite direction the Jeffersons once did.

A brutal realization, but I suppose that's what a 33-year-old deserves for shopping at a store geared toward 20-somethings. While the modest prices certainly had their perks, apparently my breasts no longer did and I was having a hard time accepting it.

I wanted my old boobs back. And by old, I mean younger. So, when a jar of Lovely Jubblies -- a $24.95 cream product from LUSH that claims to help breasts "fight the forces of gravity" -- came across my desk, I took it home the same day. For six weeks I followed the directions and finished with the sign of the cross. Other than a more intimate relationship between my hands and breasts, nothing happened. I know, shocking.

Still feeling defeated from the Forever 21 experience, and now a little pathetic for putting hope in a product with the word "jubblies" in it, I sought help at CURVENV, a lingerie trade show that rolled through Mandalay Bay last month. Here I spoke with Amanda Horan Kennedy. She's the founder of Sassybax bras and shapewear, but also goes by "the glamour shrink." Blending a psychology background with the knowledge that comes from fitting hundreds of women for bras daily, Kennedy strives to help women with self-esteem issues. On this particular day, I was one of those women.

I put Kennedy at about 20 years my senior, but she looks like the kind of woman who waved at crowds from parade floats at a younger age. It turns out those women aren't immune to their own cup catastrophes.

Once I explained to her that my breasts had slightly dropped, she met my complaint and raised it several chips. I'm sure the intention was to spur a "could be worse" kind of reaction. But, hearing about how a trip down south was nothing compared with her east and west traveling totties just gave me a sense of tremendous doom.

As she complained about Playboy centerfolds and told me breasts don't have to be in your clavicles to be beautiful, I could only wonder how much worse it was going to get with babies and menopause still on my boobs' to-do list. As she dished out advice on sleeping on your back to prevent cleavage wrinkles and never going to bed wearing an underwire (it cuts off circulation), I wondered why I never got photographic evidence of my old boobs. And by old I mean awesome.

"Don't worry," Kennedy said. "I've never met a woman who loves her breasts."

She wouldn't be able to say that if she'd met me a few years ago. Forget photos, I thought to myself, I should have had my boobs bronzed. That way, instead of mourning them, I could be staring at them on my living room mantel.

Before I could get carried away enough to write my former breasts a love sonnet, I remembered seeing Halle Berry's breasts naked for the first time in the movie "Swordfish." At 24, I referred to them as "droopy." At 24, I was a prime fit at Forever 21. Google Halle Berry plus "Swordfish" with the search safety filters off.

Don't worry, I'm slapping my 24-year-old self for you. While I'm at it, I may as well slap my 33-year-old self, too. The rack is undoubtedly still bronze-worthy. The fact I let a store that has cashiers with curfews make me think otherwise is the only thing causing me shame.

According to Elisabeth Dale (formerly Squires), author of "Boobs: A Guide to Your Girls," my reaction to immature bust lines is to be expected. "(Breasts) are the outward symbol of our womanhood ... and fashion drives the breast aesthetic," she said.

Everything from bullet bras to burning bras have dictated the type of breasts women covet over the years. It's no wonder that the average profile of a breast implant patient is a 33-year-old, married, college-educated mother of two. She isn't necessarily trying to achieve an unattainable standard of beauty, said Squires. She's just trying to fit into clothes properly.

Today's breast aesthetic is directly related to Victoria's Secret bras -- aka mammary chin rests. It's high and mighty or bust. But, isn't it time the aesthetic benefit more than just plastic surgeons and naive 24 year olds?

Mine may not be high enough to expose cleavage in a turtleneck anymore, but they are indeed still mighty. And, if the drop of my breasts has something in common with Halle Berry's circa "Swordfish," then Forever 21 can keep their damn discounts.

It took a while to accept, but I don't miss my old boobs for a second. And by old I mean old. What I have right now is the new and improved version.