I’m often asked how I have time to keep up with everything on TV these days.
The simple answer is, I don’t.
I can’t. Nobody can.
Take Memorial Day weekend, for example. Netflix debuted the final season of “Bloodline” that Friday and the new season of “House of Cards” four days later. How’s a person supposed to get any sleep while staying ahead of spoilers?
A few months ago, I thought having a 50-inch TV at the foot of my bed was all a man could ever need. Now my sleep cycle has been obliterated to the point that I’m taking melatonin just to keep from being wide awake before 5:30 a.m., even on weekends.
There’s simply too much good TV.
Forget about all the quality shows on cable, Hulu and Amazon — as well as the handful of decent series on the broadcast networks — Netflix is cranking out seasons like they’re using the Everlasting Gobstopper machine from “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.”
I’ve started to question whether Netflix is doing this to keep us all fat and passive so the company can one day harvest us as food.
I’m not the only one concerned. (Well, I’m probably the only one concerned about the whole harvesting-us-as-food thing.)
Last week, the American Academy of Sleep Medicine issued recommendations for “healthy” binge-watching. Adults should sleep at least seven hours each night, according to the group. Binge-watchers who fail to do so will see their school or work performance suffer “as mood and cognitive abilities deteriorate.”
My cognitive abilities can’t afford any more deterioration, but a man’s gotta watch what a man’s gotta watch. So if Netflix doesn’t slow down, I’m going to have to start prying my eyes open, “A Clockwork Orange”-style.
Which reminds me, Netflix is releasing “Orange Is the New Black” on Friday.
Shows to know for the week ahead
■ Executive produced by Jim Carrey, the drama “I’m Dying Up Here” (10 p.m. Sunday, Showtime) looks at what it took to make it in the 1970s in the competitive world of L.A.’s fabled stand-up comedy scene.
■ The Clone Club is about to be disbanded as Sarah (Tatiana Maslany) and her sestras ready for their final showdown with Rachel (Maslany) as the final season of “Orphan Black” (10 p.m. Saturday, BBC America) begins.
■ Carl Reiner interviews nonagenarians including Mel Brooks, Dick Van Dyke, Kirk Douglas, Norman Lear and Betty White about what it takes to live well into their 90s in “If You’re Not in the Obit, Eat Breakfast” (8 p.m. Monday, HBO).
■ Celebrated Aussie comic Jim Jefferies enters the late-night fray with “The Jim Jefferies Show” (10:30 p.m. Tuesday, Comedy Central).