What it’s like spending 11 straight hours in a movie theater

I will never complain about getting paid to watch movies — even if those movies’ titles contain words like “Transformers” or “Blart.”

Still, some experiences are a little more soul-draining than others.

As a critic, I want to see every major release, even when those screenings take place when I’m off the clock. But you get busy. Some movies aren’t screened in advance. Some screenings conflict. And, let’s face it, some nights the thought of driving across the valley on your own time to see, say, “Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates” just seems daunting.

So, thanks to the fine folks at Brenden Theatres at the Palms, I spent a recent Friday catching up on movies I’ve missed: Bryan Cranston’s “The Infiltrator,” “Star Trek Beyond,” “The Purge: Election Year,” “Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates,” “Bad Moms” and the social-media dare thriller “Nerve.”

Six straight movies. Eleven hours. And all it cost me was a little piece of my sanity.

1 p.m.: “The Infiltrator” begins.

1:02 p.m.: An older couple are already arguing, loudly, about popcorn.

1:08 p.m.: The couple recommence the popcorn disagreement.

1:13 p.m.: Another couple sit in front of me and immediately start playing with their phones. Sometimes it’s good to remind yourself what going to the movies is like as a civilian.

1:32. p.m.: I have never felt so passionately about anything in my life, I think, as the Great Popcorn War of 2016 rages on.

1:46 p.m.: Bryan Cranston is one of our greatest living actors, but “The Infiltrator” is pretty predictable.

2:16 p.m.: Already bored. This may have been a mistake.

2:31 p.m.: “The Bible Belt is a good place to hide (dirty) money,” a bad guy explains. Good to know.

2:58 p.m.: “The Infiltrator” ends.

3:15 p.m.: Buy a large popcorn — with no argument — and large soda ($13.79).

3:30 p.m.: Enter the Imax theater for “Star Trek Beyond.” No offense to any of the other multiplexes, but this is still my favorite screen in town.

3:35 p.m.: “Star Trek Beyond” begins.

3:44 p.m.: First line from the late Anton Yelchin’s Chekov. Aww.

3:47 p.m.: Sulu hugs his male partner/husband. So that’s what all the “gay Sulu” hullabaloo was about?

3:58 p.m.: Krall — the villain played by Idris Elba, not the talented jazz artist Diana — enters. Elba is buried under so much makeup, though, he’s mostly wasted.

4:28 p.m.: Bathroom break. Stupid large sodas.

4:34 p.m.: I’m not usually into chicks with face tattoos, but I’m digging Jaylah, the alien played by Sofia Boutella. Plus, she rocks out to Public Enemy’s “Fight the Power.” Respect.

4:40 p.m.: “I feel like my innards have been to a barn dance,” Bones says after being beamed up. He’s still the best part of this entire franchise. By far.

5 p.m.: Brenden’s bar opens, serving beer, wine and frozen cocktails. Very tempting. Very bad idea. Pass.

5:29 p.m.: “Star Trek Beyond” ends.

5:33 p.m.: After another bathroom break — stupid, stupid large soda — I scramble in just in time for the start of “The Purge: Election Year.”

5:45 p.m.: My biggest problem with the “Purge” movies, in which all crime is legal in the U.S. for one 12-hour period each year, is that people don’t just flee to Canada or Mexico for the day. Problem solved. Now, there are “murder tourists” flying into the U.S. to participate, which only makes this plot hole more glaring.

6:19 p.m.: Already fading, I sneak out for a Red Bull and Milk Duds ($9.45). I haven’t had a Red Bull in more than five years, and I’m more than a little concerned.

6:24 p.m.: Some guy walks in, picks up an unattended soda, drinks from it and puts it down before sitting in another seat on the other side of the auditorium. What is wrong with people?

6:37 p.m.: Should my left arm be tingling?

6:42 p.m.: Heart feels like it’s about to explode.

6:58 p.m.: You can make a fun game out of trying to identify all the different patches — swastikas, Confederate flags, iron crosses — on the uniforms of the militaristic bad guys. They’re like NASCAR jumpsuits of hate.

7:18 p.m.: “The Purge: Election Year” ends, and I scramble eight minutes late into “Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates.” Good thing the title is so simplistic or I’d be hopelessly lost.

7:35 p.m.: First time I’ve ever heard Coolio come up in a dirty talk/role play scenario.

7:58 p.m.: Bathroom. Again. Curse you tiny bladder!

8:09 p.m.: As much as it pains me to say it, Zac Efron is pretty talented.

8:23 p.m.: Efron finally takes off his shirt, 73 minutes in, which may be a new record.

8:42 p.m.: “Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates” ends, and I make it over to “Bad Moms” seven minutes late.

8:43 p.m.: There’s a nude woman with an extreme amount of pubic hair onscreen. This comes about 30 minutes after a scene involving a nude woman with an extreme amount of pubic hair in “Mike and Dave.” And people say Hollywood has run out of ideas.

8:47 p.m.: The family dog is wearing a helmet. I hope that was explained before I got here, or else that’s just odd.

8:53 p.m.: Just realizing I’m the only single guy here to see “Bad Moms” on a Friday night. This isn’t awkward at all.

9:01 p.m.: Starting to feel like Tom Hanks in “The Terminal.” I live here now.

9:17 p.m.: There’s a montage of guys in a bar who think Mila Kunis is acting too awkward for them to sleep with her. Mila. Kunis. Mila Kunis could be foaming at the mouth, spewing hate speech, covered in poison ivy and not bathed in a year, and there still would be a line of guys stretching to Milwaukee just begging for the opportunity.

9:31 p.m.: I haven’t blinked in, like, five minutes.

9:37 p.m.: Seriously, why don’t they sell meth at the snack bar?

9:42 p.m.: I can’t tell if “Bad Moms” is actually pretty good or if I’m just getting delirious.

9:49 p.m.: Fresh air smells like barbecue sauce, right? I can’t remember.

10:04 p.m.: A kid makes a frittata. Frittatas came up in “Mike and Dave,” too.

10:05 p.m.: Mmm, frittatas.

10:09 p.m.: “Bad Moms” ends, and I leave the filthy, FILTHY movie alongside a teenage girl wearing Mennonite garb. How does that even happen?

10:11 p.m.: Final bathroom break.

10:15 p.m.: The snack bar doesn’t offer frittatas, so I settle for a refill of that giant soda, a soft pretzel and a cheese cup ($6.21) — aka the dinner of champions.

10:22 p.m.: I think I’m starting to hear colors.

10:26 p.m.: “Nerve” begins. The end is near.

10:38 p.m.: I might be at least twice as old as anyone else in this theater.

10:39 p.m.: I have T-shirts older than most of these people.

10:40 p.m.: There are items in my fridge older than most of these people.

10:50 p.m.: A young woman is dared to fart on a stranger for money. In the movie, not in the theater. That would just be weird.

11:03 p.m.: Emma Roberts starts rapping Wu-Tang Clan’s “C.R.E.A.M.” Maybe I really am losing my mind.

11:19 p.m.: Wait, can’t you get deep vein thrombosis from sitting this much?

11:20 p.m.: Am I going to have to wear compression stockings?

11:21 p.m.: Where do you even get compression stockings?

11:39 p.m.: I could more readily explain quantum physics in Cantonese than what’s going on in this movie right now.

11:40 p.m.: Maybe it’s the fatigue.