November 27, 2013 - 2:23 am
All right stop, collaborate and listen, the Houston Texans believe Vanilla Ice is back with a brand new invention — a curse that’s killing their team like a poisonous mushroom.
Or something like that.
The rapper, whose real name is Robert Van Winkle, performed a halftime show for the Texans on Sept. 15, when they rallied for a 30-24 triumph over the Tennessee Titans. Houston (2-9) hasn’t won since, and according to TMZ, some players blame “Vanilla with the nine” straight losses.
Will it ever stop? Yo, I don’t know — and neither does Van Winkle.
“If we could go sing for a team — and ice them to have bad luck when I’m not there — I’d be making millions,” he said.
Unlike many music fans and some of their teammates, certain Texans players believe Vanilla Ice is a blessing, not a curse.
“Bring back Vanilla Ice,” Houston running back Ben Tate said before Sunday’s 13-6 loss to the equally lowly Jacksonville Jaguars (2-9).
Poor Tate must’ve bought Vanilla’s oft-repeated vow that, “If there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it.”
For Houston wide receiver Andre Johnson, anything less than the best is a felony. “We suck,” he said after Sunday’s loss.
Word to your mother.
■ TO EAR IS HUMAN — In an instant classic sports commercial, Foot Locker’s “Week of Greatness” ad features Mike Tyson making amends with Evander Holyfield and pokes fun at Brett Favre, Dennis Rodman and Craig Sager.
The spot opens with Cleveland Cavaliers guard Kyrie Irving saying, “It feels like all is right with the world.” A humble Tyson then is shown on Holyfield’s doorstep, saying “I’m sorry, Evander,” before handing him a small box while telling him, “It’s your ear.”
Later in the commercial, a grateful Holyfield says, “My ear!” to which Tyson replies, “I kept it in formaldehyde.” The boxers then hug it out, with Tyson saying, “Thanks.”
Favre is shown at a diner telling a waitress who asked if he wanted more pie, “It was great, but a man’s got to know when to walk away.”
Rodman is shown at an airport buying a one-way ticket to North Korea, which prompts the people waiting in line to rejoice, “He’s never coming back!”
The flamboyant Sager, dressed in black, is shown tossing a rainbow-colored jacket atop a burning pile of bright blazers before saying, “Goodbye, old friends.”
■ NO SHOES NEEDED — Like the Jelly of the Month Club membership that Cousin Eddie gave Clark Griswold in “Christmas Vacation,” New York Jets coach Rex Ryan is the Leftovers gift that keeps on giving the whole year ’round.
In an excerpt from a new book, “Collision Low Crossers,” about the 2011 Jets, author Nicholas Dawidoff wrote about former New York defensive coordinator Mike Pettine making light of Ryan’s well-documented foot fetish.
When someone sent Ryan an enormous signed and framed photograph of 1980s pinup girl Heather Locklear — Ryan’s biggest celebrity crush — the coach hung it on his office wall, and Pettine came in to inspect.
“Only one thing missing,” Pettine said.
“I know,” Ryan said. “She has her shoes on!”
We’re thankful for Ryan, who always keeps us on our toes.
COMPILED BY TODD DEWEY LAS VEGAS REVIEW-JOURNAL