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‘Spring break forever’: 5 movies to get you in the mood

It’s spring break season, which means that, for the next couple of weeks, the Strip will be crawling — and stumbling and staggering — with tens of thousands more drunk college students than usual.

The only thing stopping you from joining them is your pride.

But if you’d rather experience spring break from the comfort of your living room, you’re in luck.

Here’s a look at five movies that will give you varying degrees of the spring break experience without the need for sunscreen and penicillin:

GIRL HAPPY (1965)

The plot: Looking to escape frigid Chicago, singer Rusty Wells (Elvis Presley) convinces a worried mobster (Harold Stone) to send him and his bandmates to Fort Lauderdale, Fla., to watch over his spring-breaking daughter (Shelley Fabares).

The debauchery: Believe it or not, there’s a brawl at a strip club.

Sample quote: “The boys come here for many, many reasons. And good reasons, such as 36-24-36.” — Narrator

What it’s like: Only Elvis could get away with singing a song called “Fort Lauderdale Chamber of Commerce.” Or “Startin’ Tonight,” which begins with him just name-dropping colleges: “Michigan State, MIT, Harvard University, Vassar, Wellesley, Smith and Brown, shake it up, this is your town.” Elvis was 30 at the time, and many of the spring breakers look like they’re pushing 40. “Girl Happy” offers a window to that fabulous era when a key component of dancing was just vibrating at a high frequency. Even by the low standards of Elvis movies, though, this one’s pretty forgettable.

SPRING BREAKDOWN (2009)

The plot: When a shotgun-toting senator (Jane Lynch) in line for the vice presidency learns her daughter (Amber Tamblyn) is headed to spring break in South Padre Island, Texas, she sends her office manager, Becky (Parker Posey), to keep an eye on her. Fifteen years after they were unpopular college seniors, Becky’s friends (Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch) tag along for the spring break they never had.

The debauchery: Look for keg stands, a foam party, some salsa wrestling and a wet T-shirt contest.

Sample quote: “This place is incredible! I’m gonna throw up again!” — Poehler

What it’s like: It’s basically “Girl Happy” played for actual laughs. Lynch yee-haws for all she’s worth. Poehler falls in with a pack of cool girls, including Kristin Cavallari, and gets cornrows. Seth Meyers and Will Arnett show up. And Dratch runs around being weird and saying things like, “Guess what, homeboy? I ain’t ya sex robot!”

FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY (2003)

The plot: During spring break in Miami, waitress Kelly (Kelly Clarkson) and party promoter Justin (Justin Guarini) fall in love in this quickie musical starring the first-season finalists from “American Idol.”

The debauchery: A couple of girls enter a whipped-cream bikini contest. There’s also a low-stakes hovercraft duel that looks like something out of a failed pilot for a Nickelodeon game show.

Sample quote: “You’re interested in Kelly? You’re the mayor of spring break, and she’s one bonnet shy of Amish.” — Kelly’s friend Alexa (Katherine Bailess)

What it’s like: Think of the “Summer Lovin’ ” segment from “Grease” stretched to 81 minutes and populated by insufferable morons — and Kelly Clarkson. “From Justin to Kelly” is full of awkward choreography and uninspired songs, including some sappy ballad sung on a boat. You know the only song you should ever sing on a boat? “I’m on a Boat.” The whole thing is awful, but rarely hilariously so. Still, it’s a shame movie musicals never became an official “American Idol” perk. “From Ruben to Clay” could’ve been epic.

SPRING BREAKERS (2013)

The plot: Three college coeds (Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson, Rachel Korine) snort some blow, steal an El Camino and rob a restaurant to finance a spring break trip to St. Petersburg, Fla., with their churchgoing friend (Selena Gomez). When they end up in jail there, a drug-dealing rapper named Alien (James Franco) bails them out and leads them on a violent crime spree.

The debauchery: Where to begin? From the gratuitous nudity to a baby doll being used as a bong, there’s very little here except debauchery.

Sample quote: “Spriing breeaak. Spriiiiing breeeeeaaaaak. Spring break forever.” — Franco

What it’s like: It’s “Disney Girls Gone Wild,” as Hudgens, Gomez and “Pretty Little Liars” star Benson burst out of their family-friendly shells. But this sunbaked fever dream is mostly a gonzo showcase for Franco. Sporting cornrows and grills, his Alien fellates a couple of handguns. Later, he plays a white piano on his pool deck as he leads the girls, who wear matching pink ski masks while wielding shotguns and automatic weapons, in a sing-along of Britney Spears’ “Everytime.” (Can someone please incorporate that into her show at Planet Hollywood?) But Franco’s manic “look at my s—-” speech is the sort of thing that belongs in his “In Memoriam” segment. It’s a master class in trashiness as Alien brags about his designer T-shirts, gold bullets and his skills at blending Calvin Klein Escape and Calvin Klein Be. “I got ‘Scarface’ on repeat,” he boasts. “I got my blue Kool-Aid!” Aside from the times he’s played James Franco, it’s his James Franco-iest role yet.

LUMBERJACK MAN (2015)

The plot: During spring break, a demon logger slaughters the staff of Good Friends Church Camp so he can use their blood as a topping for his enormous flapjacks.

The debauchery: Two coeds skinny-dip, there’s some post-coital nudity, two pervy dudes spy on a girl as she gets dressed, and three staff members get plastered off a six-pack of wine coolers.

Sample quote: “Them woods are haunted, you know. Haunted with death.” — Dr. Peter Shirtcliff (Michael Madsen)

What it’s like: When it comes to horror movies, Halloween and Friday the 13th get most of the attention. “Lumberjack Man” is surely the first slasher film set on Shrove Tuesday. Billed as a horror comedy, the result is light on both elements as what passes for a plot makes room for a sexy park ranger, a Nazi pancake-mix baron and two goofballs who escape from a work detail by making detailed manure sculptures of themselves. At one point, the demon logger rips out a counselor’s breast implants and uses them to knock out the stereotypically gay Asian kid. But the biggest question — other than how did Michael Madsen become entangled in something so horrible — is why the demon logger makes flapjacks the size of satellite dishes and then drags them around in a wagon while he kills these idiots, getting those flapjacks soggy with their blood, rather than killing these idiots and then making a fresh batch of flapjacks? Honestly, that’s just poor flapjack management.

Contact Christopher Lawrence at clawrence@reviewjournal.com. On Twitter: @life_onthecouch

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